First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Lmaoo 😂
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of