Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Fruity

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I wanna be friends with this person

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

twitter users today:

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.