Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.