[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
You Might Also Like
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
LMAO
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking