[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Natural selection at its finest
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Not all heroes wear capes…