FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
rip to my favourite tweet
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?