Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Anyone really