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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.