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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me