*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
It kinda feels like this rn
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.