*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
This week’s mood.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time