Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.