Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager