*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
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I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.