Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Still a very good boi….

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!