First I was a pebble..
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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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