First I was a pebble..
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….