First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Happy Taco Tuesday
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.