First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Blew my mind.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild