First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
why neck hurt
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
This is a whole mood;
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”