First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally