First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes