First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow