First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her