First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton