Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

good morning

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Yup

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.