Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

the dark web is just a goth google.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows