First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.