Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

cats when you pet them too long:

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.