FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.