Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…