Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent