Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.