Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me