[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
You Might Also Like
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
anyone else like Italian cereal
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I’m putting together a team
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!