[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
…żyje?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.