Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner