Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Monday?
No. Next question.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.