First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.