Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

he’s sick of your bullshit today

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.