Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

how long have you had this for?

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way