first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Everything reminds me of my ex
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
respect
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed