first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
peeping toms
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
