first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.