Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Look Ma, no handle on things

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

I hate my earbuds.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run