first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
mentally somewhere in italy
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.