Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

If you breakdance you buy dance.

those birds must be on payroll

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…