Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?