Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

*cough*

time machine? you mean a clock?

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

first you must answer his riddles

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.