First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
even bears disappoint their mothers
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?