Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name