First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Ah yes. The three genders
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.