First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?