First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
me refusing to leave twitter
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”