First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
you’re not fooling anyone
kitchen magnet
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.