Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

that lip filler tho

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.