First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
every. time.
Danger is very dangerous
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.