Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

God tier horse name today on the sims

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Tell me you get it…🤣

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.