First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
#inspiration #foodforthought
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
🖤✌🏽
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP