there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
You Might Also Like
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Sheep
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*