@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?

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@causticbob

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

@mikassong

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

@Tmoney68

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

@KeetPotato

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

@SoldHerSoul

Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok.

@Staggfilms

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

@pixelatedboat

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school