Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.