“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
wtf is an acronym
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.