“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Breaking news:
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.