“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.