Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

your elf on the shelf was delicious

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon