Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Natty or not?