Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes