First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!