First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years