First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Boom, boom, ching!
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it