First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Close call…
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?