Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no