First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.