First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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where do you see yourself in five years?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay