[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Leaving the Barbers like
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
LOL
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL