[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
This is my bus stop.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.