[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
No. He’s not coming out to play
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’m confused about plants