First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.