First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
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Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.