Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Lmao

i will not be silenced